The challenge with EQ is that we all think we have it.
“I have little EQ”, said no-one, ever.
It seems that people are likely to overestimate their abilities in this area. A recent Harvard Business Review study revealed, “In our nearly five-year research program on the subject, we’ve discovered that although 95% of people think they’re self-aware, only 10 to 15% actually are.” (Tasha Eurich, HBR, October 19, 2018). I guess the worrying thought is that if there are plenty of people who think that they are strong in interpersonal relationships and the other components that make up EQ, but are actually blind to their lack of ability in this skill set, then what makes you so certain that you are part of the 15%?
Ironically the thing that most of us are pretty certain of is that the people we deal with on a daily basis, are on the whole, quite deficient when it comes to emotional intelligence. This misunderstanding arises because of our tendency to look at the world from our own point of view and not being very good at putting ourselves into others’ shoes.
So what is EQ then?
A mere 20 years ago, the commercial world was still convinced that IQ was the most important measure of excellence. In 1995, Daniel Goleman published the book “Emotional Intelligence” which redefined what it meant to be successful. His studies showed that simply being smart is not an indicator of longer term success. Rather, knowing yourself and your strengths and persisting in addressing your weaknesses can improve your chances of success. In addition, recognising and understanding your work colleagues’ emotions, helps you to adapt your approach.
The skills that help people to harmonise with each other are becoming increasingly valuable in the workplace and combined with existing talents and abilities can set one apart.
I was recently asked by the CEO of large international corporation if it is possible to coach someone to improve their EQ. He’s wanting to groom the right individual to become his successor. One of the contenders is very experienced in the business, but “tends to lack EQ”. The other candidate may not have the same depth and breadth of experience as his colleague, but is far more self-aware, in tune with the impact of the culture on the organisation and more emotionally astute when it comes to the people dynamics that affect the business. The boss is leaning towards the person with the heightened levels of emotional intelligence (colloquially referred to as EQ).
Why is it difficult to coach for improved social skills?
In today’s work environment where relentless change such as restructuring and the continuous introduction of new skill sets and approaches to work are intensifying, managers, feeling the pressure to deliver better results and operating from a position of stress, tend to revert to what they feel has worked for them before. This usually means that they become more self-reliant than collaborative or cooperative, falling back on old habits to keep their heads above water, and not applying the new techniques that they are presumed to have mastered. It turns out that it’s true: stress makes you stupid!
Because the majority of people think they do have strength in emotional intelligence, they are less likely to think that they need any assistance in further developing their own levels of self-awareness. Less self-awareness means reduced self-observation and being far more unlikely to invite external feedback.
Fortunately, Daniel Goleman (Emotional Intelligence, Bloomsbury Publishing, 2009) points out that “temperament is not destiny,” and although the best chance of developing a propensity for emotional self-control and understanding is during the childhood years, the brain remains malleable throughout life, meaning that it’s never too late to gain new insights or to relearn ways of responding.
How do you improve EQ?
Self-awareness
The first step in self-awareness is gained through self-observation. Recognising, understanding and mastering your own thought patterns and feelings are necessary before leading others. The best way to do this is to be open to getting feedback from others and taking it onboard.
Forming a view based on consensus from others is important to establish that it’s not just a one-off personality clash with a particular individual that is bringing out certain responses.
Being aware of any gap between how you see your own actions compared with how others view your behaviour is the biggest opportunity to improve your EQ. Simply being less defensive about others’ observations is a step in the right direction.
Self-management
The step after self-awareness is self-management, or the ability to catch yourself in the act of reacting ‘inappropriately’ or less than ideally. Self-control allows you time to choose a better response. Victor Frankl famously said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
Working with a coach can help you to delve into the underlying reasons for why you think, feel and act in the way that you are, examining your habitual patterns of operating that prevent you from growing.
Once there is deeper self-understanding it becomes easier to have empathy for others and the broader social awareness that then leads to effective or fulfilling relationships and then, the ability to lead and guide others.
Windstorm Consulting is experienced in people development particularly helping individuals to build on their own talents, harnessing their energy and passion to achieve their ambitions.
Our coaching services include personal and/or leadership development for individuals as well as young adults, couples, families and business teams.
Our engagement is through one-on-one coaching sessions, as well as dynamic, interactive workshops using the Enneagram.